Obviously I’m not talking about getting stabbed, shot or punched in the face. I’m not even talking about chemical burns, migraines or even strep throat. No, I’m talking about the seemingly minor everyday pains that so many of us endure but are significantly less minor than they originally seem.
1. Burn the roof of your mouth
Worst offenders are melted cheese, which gets stuck there, slowly burning the skin off, and soup. You take a big mouthful of soup and you can’t spit it out so you have to quickly adjust to the heat and gain the courage to swallow it just to get it out of your mouth. Cue a slow trickle of magma burning the sides of your oesophagus. At least the roof was saved.
2. Stand on an upturned plug
Often followed by someone giving out to you for walking around with no shoes on in the first place. In which case you want to hurl the plug at their head. Why was the plug upturned in the first place? Of course if it’s a plug in your room, it’s probably your fault. It’s one of the most unexpected pains I think because it’s so bizarre that it takes you a minute to work out what happened, and also, how could something so blunt cause so much of stabbing pain?
3. Eyelash in your eye
Or anything in your eye really. You can’t see, your eyes are watering, but you aren’t able to take whatever it is out because A) it’s sore to touch your eye too and B) you’ve been rendered blind so you can’t see the thing to take it out. You’re caught in a state of panic when suddenly it comes out and you feel such relief. Yet you continue to involuntarily cry for the next ten minutes. And let’s not even mention the dreaded ‘phantom eyelash’ that’s not even there to take out.
4. Cramps of the leg or foot
A totally irrational happening with totally irrational body movements to follow. A long-term sufferer of foot cramps, I know the pain and the dread that comes with feeling one coming on in advance. And it’s not one of those situations where the anticipation is worse than the pain itself. Nor is it one of those situations where the more you have them the more used to them you are. Not to mention the unspeakable torture that is the leg cramp. I’ve never felt a warning for those, and I usually get them while asleep. Thanks, leg cramp. You’ve made me look stupid because I’m practically dancing to get rid of you, you’ve caused me outrageous pain and you’ve disturbed my sleep. You must be stopped.
5. Salt in a paper cut
A paper cut on its own is bad enough depending on its location. Tiny things you might not even realise happened and suddenly, there it is, a little red slit of a line. More than likely, you’ve noticed because some poisonous substance has made contact with it and that’s the real malice behind the paper cut. I’ve chosen salt because it’s the most common for me, but feel free to replace with vinegar, lemon, anything that takes your fancy. I can hear the paper cuts rubbing their metaphorical hands together now… “I won’t hurt you that much, you won’t even notice I’m there. Then, when you least expect it, when you’re relaxing with some salt and vinegar crisps later, that’s when my evil plan will truly be revealed. Mwahahahaha”
Now that is evil.