Break the cycle

I need a bit of a rant. I apologise in advance for any offence I may cause, but I hate cyclists. I really hate them. I’m sorry if you’re a cyclist, I’m sure you’re a nice person off the bike, but on the bike, I’m making the assumption that you’re a dickhead, because I’ve been walking around the world, crossing roads and generally being out and about on my own for the over 10 years at this stage and I can still count the number of non-dickhead cyclists on my hands.

It's a one-way street, asshat!

Particularly in the last two years or so, when I’ve been working in the city centre, I’ve noticed more and more cyclists basically doing whatever the hell they like on the road, the path, the grass, on the roof for all I know. They are a law onto themselves. Not that long ago, I heard some mad assumption on a radio show that said that cyclists don’t have to abide by the rules of the road – they’re only for cars. That’s possibly the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Except for the hundreds of cyclists I’ve come across over the years. To them, red lights don’t exist. At this point I’d like to reiterate, I have seen a handful of good, law-abiding cyclists sitting at red lights waiting, and I’m sure you must feel like a tool sometimes when you’re passed out by ten dickheads on bikes. But it is illegal to break lights if you’re a cyclist, the same as cars.

It’s actually also illegal to cycle on the footpath unless there’s a designated cycle lane there. So before you obnoxiously ring your bell because I’m walking too slow for your liking on the FOOTpath, you might want to think about the fact that it’s a fineable offense. And yes, technically if you’re ‘walking’ your bike, you’re technically a pedestrian with a bike and you’re allowed on the path, but in my eyes, you’re still a dickhead. What are you doing walking the damn thing? It’s a bike not a pet, either cycle the thing, or leave it at home and walk.

Speaking of paths, we move on to my absolute least favourite dickhead cyclist: the indecisive cyclist. This is the one who cycles down the road and then stops, and ‘walks’ the bike up a pedestrian area. You’re offensive to me for two reasons. One, you’re walking the bike, which I’ve already said makes you a dickhead. And two, you’re only using the bike to suit yourself but you don’t want to pay any attention to red lights so you switch to pedestrian mode when you meet a set of lights that don’t agree with you, or you come to a junction that you want to go up the wrong way.

Which brings me on to my next and final point about cyclists. Those who cycle¬†down a one-way street the wrong way at top speed and nearly plowing into me. When I say nearly, I mean my arm was clipped. And this particular dickhead screamed some obscenity at me as if I was meant to be watching where I was going. As if I’d just stepped out onto a road without looking for traffic. Except I did, at least in the only direction traffic should be coming from. I don’t understand why these particular cyclists believe they own the road and at the same time have no rules to go by.

For the final time, I will say that not all cyclists are dickheads. I did say as much on Twitter, but I admit I was particularly angry. I stick by what I said before, I can still count on my hands the amount of sound, law-abiding cyclists I’ve come across but I’m sure there are plenty. And I’m sure they will agree with me when I say many of their cycling comrades are, indeed, dickheads that give the rest of them a bad name. And this rant is merely a rant about the dickhead cyclists.

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